i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
high people should be assigned attendants
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
