She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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