Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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