ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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