I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
