did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
