I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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