he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
