remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
