ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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