I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
