We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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