my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
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he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
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Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.