Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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