we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
