just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
