On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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