see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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