found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
