if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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