I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
