what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
