I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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