i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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