All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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