so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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