I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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