I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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