Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i wish my penis had a tongue
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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