I am in a vortex of obligation.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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