1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
