She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
