I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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