so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
