i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
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His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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