I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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