i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
