i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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