I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
