she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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