Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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