I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
