I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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