Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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