I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
