his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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