Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You did what with his pubic hair?
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