he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
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Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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