Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
