Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
