I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
