So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ttyl tear gas
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
