She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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