i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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