I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
