Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
