OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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