I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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