Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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