Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
