So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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