I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
