What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
